So at some point, when you’re deep down in it… Scared, intolerant, hateful, unhappy… You get to a place where you just can’t do it anymore. This happened to me after the arrival of my son, Ryan. There was actually an event that occurred that, in an instant, literally made me lose my mind. Ceci, my beautiful, smart, empathetic, wonderful, intuitive daughter said something to me that scared the ever-living shit out of me. If you know Ceci, you know she knows things. She just gets it. So when she says something insightful, you listen.
Out of nowhere, Ceci turns to me and says, “Mommy, you’re sick. You just don’t know it yet.” My first internal reaction wasn’t fear, but confusion. I turned to her and responded, “Honey, I’m not sick.” She looks at me, tears welling up in her eyes and says, “I don’t want it to be just me and Daddy and Ryan.” Then the moment was over. She was done discussing it. Of course, at this point I’m starting to wig out. Like, seriously, what the fuck is this girl talking about? Now, if I were a normal human being, I could probably just chalk it up to a young child processing the idea that we are in fact mortal. But for some reason, this interaction was literally life altering.
From that moment on, something shifted inside me. To me, it really didn’t even make sense. I had released fear. I had unplugged Neo. I was no longer listening to the system. Been there. Done that. Right? But then, all of a sudden, there I found myself. Stuck in fear… The most debilitating fear I had ever experienced in my life. My ego mind wouldn’t shut the fuck up about what Ceci had said. “You’re dying. It’s definitely cancer. You’re going to suffer. You’re going to leave your children behind.” It wouldn’t stop. From the moment I woke up each morning, until the moment I went to bed, I had ruminating thoughts about dying from cancer. Anxiety is a terrible thing. It’s silent. And hard as fuck.
For a while I was able to hide it. I spent countless hours on the internet trying to Dr. Google myself back to sanity. Looking for an answer to my unruly mind. Nothing worked. I tried every herb, supplement, meditation, flower essence, EFT, positive affirmation… You name it. I didn’t want to go on a pharmaceutical, so instead I just sat with my fear. It was so, so awful. And incredibly lonely. Then one day, it all came pouring out. It just couldn’t stay in any longer. I confessed out loud what was happening in my mind. I cried my fucking heart out. Because to me, in that moment, it was like actually telling someone that I had cancer. That’s how hard that moment felt. But once it was out, I could finally, actually address it.
That same night, I decided to go online and search for a local yoga studio. I’d done yoga in the past, and really liked it. I thought, just maybe it could help. At random, I clicked on a studio that had several positive reviews. After visiting their website, I decided to buy a class pack. Then I went full steam ahead… Four to five days a week I was there. OMing out like a motherfucker. I started taking Taoist Yoga classes, which made a huge difference in my quality of life. And I mean HUGE. Suddenly, I could go a few consecutive days without worry. I could breathe again. My sanity was literally saved. I had reached my rock bottom and managed to push off. It was like a gigantic sigh of relief.
Now, standing in my current shoes, I can look back and see what that moment with Ceci did for me. No, I’m not dying, and I don’t have cancer. But that moment. That interaction. It brought me to my knees. A place I needed to go so that I could let go. Really let go. So now, I actually am fearless. I’m a bad ass motherfucker. And until you get bad ass, it’s impossible to truly love yourself. Until you let go of all fear, you can’t be in true bliss. Fear has a low vibration. Love is high. They can’t coexist. Ya dig?
So… am I actually fearless? Not really. Life will obviously throw things at me that elicit fear. But generally speaking, I choose to not feel fear, whereas before I didn’t really have any say in the matter.
Am I in true bliss?… Living entirely from a place of love? Nope. I’m headed there though. Because I’ve lost my mind. And I’m finding my heart.
Sia~I’m In Here