I think I’ve been lying to myself a little bit. Actually, a lot. I’ve spent years working on quieting my mind. Years. I’ve put in the work. And I’ve seen the beneficial results. You see, my mind used to be really unkind to me. These days she’s much nicer, but somewhat unrealistic. I’ve become quite the daydreamer. But sometimes I still find myself really sad. And not because my mind is telling me things. Rather, it’s my heart that’s feeling things.
I’ve told myself, and you, that if we could all just listen to our hearts that life would be better. And I truly believed that to be true. I still do. I have a deep belief that our hearts are quite intuitive, and really can help guide us along this path called life. But recently I’ve come to the realization that, just like my mind, my heart has been lying to me too. *Big sigh*
You see, my mind used to tell me I’m not good enough. She’d say all sorts of mean things about me. But I didn’t really think my heart agreed. Until my mind decided to be quiet… Now I can feel into my heart and have found a harsh truth… In a lot of cases, on some level, my heart actually agrees with my head. Finding that truth has been heart breaking. Because thinking something and feeling something are two totally different things. Right? For me, my negative thoughts would circulate up in my head. Round and round they went. Just swirling around. Repeating themselves, over and over. But when I feel something… Well, that happens everywhere. My eyes fill with tears. My throat grows a lump. My heart beats faster. And my gut finds itself in a knot. You too, right?
So now what? I mean, I’ve literally spent countless hours trying to get my mind to be nicer to me, and in the process have realized that my heart isn’t being very nice either. I used to tell myself that I’m not worthy. Now I feel unworthy. I used to tell myself I’m not lovable. Now I feel unlovable. I used to tell myself that I’m not smart enough. Pretty enough. Brave enough. Confident enough… Now I feel all those things. And it’s so much worse. All of life’s hurts take a serious toll on our hearts. Every time we experience heart ache, it leaves a mark. And all of us are left with countless scars and open wounds… And healing them isn’t easy.
You know, today I put a wound on Ceci’s heart. I saw it in her eyes. She yelled to me from the dining room, where she was crouched on the floor painting a picture. I was in the kitchen cooking dinner when she called for me in rapid succession… “Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom.” In my head, once was probably enough. Right? I was literally ten feet away. And my ears work quite well. “What?!” I replied in obvious irritation. Then I glanced over at her. Her eyes looked sad. “Never mind. I’ll show you later.” It was a rainbow she had painted for me. And now I’m sitting here crying as I write this, because I hurt her when all she wanted to do was show me her creation.
That moment. That hurt that I inflicted on my little girl… It will sit with her. She’ll forget, I’m sure. But her heart won’t. And over the course of her life, she will experience countless hurts, both big and small, and her heart will remember every last one of them. Her conscious mind will push most of them away, so as to protect her. But her heart will hold on tight to every single hurt. Just like mine does… And yours.
The human heart amazes me. It keeps us alive by beating. And it helps guide us toward the lives our souls had intended for us. And it does those things without so much as being asked or thanked. But it also protects us… It protects us from getting hurt, by making us feel things that aren’t true. Just like our minds do. Right? It’s easier for your heart to make you feel unworthy, than to have someone else make you feel that way. It hurts a bit less if you stop yourself from pursuing that which you desire, than to have tried and have your heart broken. And when you’ve had a lifetime of hurts, your heart will start to believe what others have made you feel. One can only endure so much hurt before both their mind and heart tell them it’s true… Not because it is, but because you’re safer if they lie to you.
In life we all experience and inflict heart aches everyday. It’s just part of being human. It’s unavoidable. Things as small as not looking up from your phone when someone is talking to you leaves a mark. Not making eye contact. Not saying ‘please’ or ‘thank you,’ ‘hello’ or ‘goodbye.’ Not smiling or showing gratitude. We’re all guilty. And we’re all victims. And over the course of our lives, the hurts just accumulate. Causing our hearts to wear a metaphorical armor. And as a result, we’re all walking around with our guards up. Not letting old hurts go. And also not letting love in.
Heartbreaks that happened ten years ago. Or twenty years ago. Even thirty years ago…. Are all still sitting inside my heart. Unless I resolve to heal them. But healing is hard, because as the energy of those emotions leave me, I feel them. We all do… It’s as if you’re re-experiencing life’s lowest moments. And it ain’t pretty. But releasing those emotions frees us from them. Right? So I suppose my heart is actually doing me a favor. It’s purging all that no longer belongs there. It’s getting everything out that has kept me from being the best version of myself. Releasing that which has prevented me from loving myself… And others. You know, I’ve decided I don’t want my heart armored anymore. I’m not interested in hiding. Or feeling things that aren’t true. So I’m allowing it all to come up and out. Even if right now it doesn’t feel so good. Because the Becky that resides within… She’s fucking amazing. And my heart, once healed, is totally going to prove that to me.
I got this. I’m unstoppable.