Time is a funny thing. The past is always gone. The future is never here. So really all there is, is right now. Right? Except in our minds. Most of us obsessively either live in the past or the future. Regretting mistakes and worrying about shit that probably won’t ever happen. The ego mind is so fucking annoying. I don’t know which camp you guys are in, but my mind resides in the future.
I used to sit around worrying about the most ridiculous shit. All day. Everyday. I don’t do that anymore. Thank the fucking Lord. And I certainly don’t waste much time thinking about the past. Shit, I can barely remember most of it. That makes dwelling on it kind of difficult. I’ll walk into work and a friend will ask how my weekend was and I’m all like, “How was my weekend?… Hmmm, how was my weekend? What the fuck did I do? Oh my God! What did I do yesterday?…. I literally can’t remember.” No seriously. What did I do yesterday? I actually can’t recall. Facepalm. I think there might be something wrong with my brain.
I don’t care though. We’ll just go ahead and blame it on the lack of sleep. Whatever. The past has never really been that important to me. I mean, it matters… obviously. I just don’t really hang onto it. Once it’s gone, it’s gone. Sayonara!
Senior year of high school I was the captain of the cheering team. I was the one they tossed in the air. It was so fun… And I was actually pretty good. At the end of the season awards were passed out at the banquet. It was really for the basketball players, but they handed out a couple of cheerleading awards as well. I got a big ol trophy for ‘Best All Around.’ I don’t know if you guys know this… I’m kind of a big deal. Haha! For real though, at the time, it meant a lot to me. I was pretty fucking amped about that award. Ask me where that trophy is now. No clue. It’s more than likely I threw it away. Fuuuuuuck it.
In 2008 I was at the top of my class when I graduated from Simmons College. Fucking geek. Anyway, I received a book award for excellence in the field of special education. Like I said, I’m kind of a big deal. There was this big ceremony where they gave speeches about all the award recipients. My mom, who also happens to be a geek, was very proud. Apple doesn’t fall far, I guess. Anyway, ask me what the title of the book was. No clue. Ask me if I read it. Nope. Ask if I know where it is. Scratching my head. I’m pretty sure this one I didn’t toss. It’s here… Somewhere. I just don’t know where. Like I said, I’m not one to live in the past. I’ve learned from it for sure. And I do hold onto those lessons. But I don’t really spend much time thinking about it.
The future is a different story though. My mind is perpetually hanging out there. If it’s not busy doing something else, it’s creating some theoretical future version of my life. It used to be that my future was bleak. Armageddon was definitely upon us. Brutal. Right? I knew with absolute certainty that the end of the world was going to by high water. In my defense, Ceci made that thought enter my mind. One night, as she was picking out pajamas, she suddenly just stopped and looked at me. She actually looked a little scared. I asked what was wrong… “A wave is coming.” I was totally baffled. “Ceci, what are you talking about?” Then she shrugged it off and said, “Don’t worry. It won’t hurt. You’ll just go to sleep.” Say whaaaaaaat? Kid’s got the sixth sense. I’m hoping she was talking about a version of me that’s living in some alternate Universe. Needless to say, the ocean sort of wigs me out now. Luckily I’ve moved on from crazy. Now I’m a daydream believer. A fantasizer. An optimist… I make wishes on the moon and stars, and roam off into wonderland, thinking about what it would be like if they came true. I like it up there in my mind. It’s a nice escape from… well… the present.
I pop on my headphones. Blast my favorite tunes. And off I go. I block out all the things in the present that I just don’t want to deal with. The fucking mess. The toys. The dishes. The laundry. The fucking pile of papers that’s been sitting on my kitchen counter for months. All the daily bullshit.
Right now. This moment… Is something I have a hard time with. Just like everyone else. It’s not exactly what I want it to be. It’s harder than it should be. The daily grind… It’s so fucking tiring. But you know what? Regardless of how I use the present moment, it will become the past. The show goes on… Right? And how I use right now will determine what my future will look like. So, if the future I picture in my head is ever going to become my present, I actually have to pursue it. Now. But I find myself overwhelmed by how much shit constantly needs to get done. I’m dealing with a lot… Just like everyone else. But today… Right now. I am going to get something done. And I’ll do my best to also enjoy myself. I just opened every single window in my house. The air smells sweet and I have Sia blasting. And as soon as I finish this post, I’m grabbing a big trash bag, I’m heading into the play room, and I’m getting to work.
Lupe Fiasco~The Show Goes On