Lately life sort of feels like a song I hate that’s stuck on repeat. Anyone else feel that way or just me? Please tell me I’m not the only one. Brutal. The last few weeks have felt… exhausting, in every sense of the word. Am I right? Oh man, the other day I woke up and I swear my angry eyebrow wrinkle was deeper than ever. It looked as if I’d spent the entire night sleeping with a scowl on my face. What the fuck? I fell off the wagon, man. Actually, I jumped.
For the past month or so, I’ve been in a total slump. Not working out. Eating like shit. Not sleeping. Not meditating. Nothing. I’ve literally been my own worst enemy. I’m not sure what’s going on, but it’s time for a change. If my life was a tower made of a deck of cards, it’s as if I’m waiting for someone or something to come along and pull out one of the cards from the bottom, causing the whole thing to come crashing down. Only then would I have permission to pick up the pieces and start building a new tower. It feels almost as if I’m waiting for the Universe to throw me a bone. Like I’m hoping for some sort of event to occur that would cause me to start actively making changes in my life. Ya know?
But life doesn’t work like that. I’ve had the ‘when’ attitude for a while. I’ll start eating better when I have more time. I’ll get up earlier to squeeze in a daily yoga practice when the kids start sleeping better. I’ll organize our clothes and toys when I have a day without the kids here. Get what I mean? But having that attitude is getting me nowhere. Honestly, change will happen in my life when I make it happen… By being the change.
So I’m starting now. Actually, no I’m not. I’m starting Tuesday. Why? Because I have a girls night planned for tomorrow and a hangover planned for Monday. Ha! So Tuesday it is. But I’ve made up my mind. And the first thing to go is this:
And also this:
Okay, wait… Let’s pump the brakes for a sec. There’s no way in hell I’m giving up coffee. But I’m giving up Dunks… Except maybe on weekends. And Weekdays. Gah! I don’t know if I can do this one. But I’m really going to pretend to try.
And since 90% of my fluid intake is coffee and wine, I obviously need to replace it with something, right? I guess it should be this:
Seriously though. It’s time for me to start being accountable for my own life. I can’t just expect things to get better without putting in the work. I’m so tired. So fucking tired… But I need to stop using that as an excuse, because that’s exactly what it is. And not nourishing my body is not helping anything. I could create a list a mile long of the things that need to change, but I’ve realized the hard way that I need to start small. My life is mine, right? And my body is my temple.
You know, for a while I’ve sort of had moments where I feel like… what the fuck, man! Fuck it. I give up. I’m done caring. I’m done trying. I’d prefer to sit on my couch, a hot fucking mess, and wait for someone or something to fix my problems. I’m tired. And I’m done.
Except I’m not done. And I’m not giving up. I don’t feel well. And I think that’s what I’m most tired of. I want to feel young, and energized, and beautiful, and full of life. And I will. Baby steps, right? I got stamina.
The Greatest~Sia ft. Kendrick Lamar