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Oh my God, Becky…

By April 29, 2017 kitchen, Uncategorized
omg

Let me just start by saying that this post is rated R… Or maybe NC-17.  Parental discretion is advised.  Soooo if you happen to be really young or innocent, I’d suggest going ahead and x’ing out of this window.  Mmmmkay?

I was born in 1981…  Before my name became somewhat of thing.  Not sure what ‘thing’ I’m talking about?  Then you’ve been living under a rock…  Just sayin’.  Anyway, when my mother was pregnant with me she had the name Rachael picked out.  But when I was born, my parents thought I looked like a ‘Becky,’ so they flipped the switch and decided to name me Rebecca.  I’d really like to say that I’m happy about this, but as time has passed, I’ve realized that Rachael would’ve been a much better name.  Don’t get me wrong, I think the name Rebecca is beautiful.  I really do!  I love it.  And I like the nickname Becky too.  It certainly fits me.  It’s… “cute.”  Right?  Thing is, a series of events has led to my dislike for my name.

baby

In first grade I had to complete a family tree as an assignment for class.  The project also included a sheet I had to fill out about myself.  One question asked the meaning of my name.  I brought the assignment home, gathered pictures for the family tree and filled out all of the pertinent information about my family.  I then moved onto the page that was all about me.  When I got to the question about my name’s meaning, I asked my mom for help.  We actually had a book of baby names and meanings, so we flipped through it looking for my name… Do you want to know what it said?  One word:

Heifer.

Really?… My name means virgin cow?  Awesome.  I mean, I think maybe that’s sacred in some religions?  But let’s be real.  I’d really prefer that my name not mean ‘cow,’ and a virgin one at that!  Prude.  Am I right?!  Of course I am!  You know how I know?  Because I searched every fucking baby name website looking for the meaning of ‘Rebecca’ and none came back with the meaning ‘heifer.’  I guess somewhere along the line, someone with pull decided to change the meaning of my name.  Thing is, the new meaning is just as bad!  What is it?  I’m so glad you asked.  Again, just one word:

Tied.

Okay, I don’t know about you, but this is the image that comes to my mind…

Woman with hands tied to bedpost

Kinky.  Haha!  On some sites it said, “One that ties or binds.”  When you really think about that, it could be a nice definition, right?  But given the history of the name Becky, all I can think about is sex.

First there was Sir Mix A Lot:

Now let’s be clear… It is entirely obvious that the girl at the beginning of this video is referring to her friend as Becky.  The girl with the big butt… We don’t know her name.  But that doesn’t really seem to matter.  Y’all just love to remind me that my name is in this fucking terrible song.  Thanks for that, by the way.  I’m glad my butt makes y-y-y-you so horny.

Then came this gem:

Really?… I mean, really?  Ugh.  Okay, so now guys refer to blow jobs as Beckys.  I. Can’t.  Even.  Deal.  Couldn’t he have picked the name Lisa?  Or Ashley?  Or Samantha?  Really anything but Becky…  Nope.  Becky it is.  That one’s fun.  Hey gentlemen, here’s an idea, how ’bout you call a blow job what it is… A BLOW JOB.  Head.  Nob.  A mean bean.  Fellatio.  Oral sex.  Couldn’t any of those suffice?  Nope.  Just had to go ahead and ruin my name.  Eye roll.

And then of course there’s this:

Oh, Beyonce.  I really have nothing but love for you.  You are a beautiful, talented, strong-ass woman.  But now, because of you, Becky with the good hair is a ‘basic bitch’ that fucked your husband.  Why?…  Why did you have to use the name Becky?

But… at least we can all agree…  I do have good hair, right?

IMG_0757

Okay, so in sum, Becky is “a basic bitchy virgin cow with good hair, that likes to give blow jobs and has a nice ass.”  It doesn’t get much worse than that.  Big sigh.

Listen… I don’t care what y’all do between the sheets… Or on your kitchen counter… At the beach… In your car… Wherever, really.  I also don’t care how or who you do it with.  But if y’all could just go ahead and leave my name out of it, that would be greeeeaaaat.  Unless of course you’re lucky enough to be getting down with a real-life Becky.  In that case…  HOLLAH!

~Namaste, Bitches~

Rachael… Formerly known as Becky

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