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There’s A Whole Lot Of Heart In Me

By May 22, 2017 Uncategorized

You know that voice in your head?  The one that literally doesn’t stop talking… Isn’t it so annoying?  Like, I wish the ego mind came with an off switch.  “Hey, brain… I need a break.  So if you could just go ahead and be quiet for a hot minute, that would be awesome.  Kay?  Thaaaaaaanks.”  Seriously.  That shit is so exhausting.  And sometimes… Actually, for almost everyone, most times, that voice is not so nice.  Why the hell do we all listen to it?

You know that voice isn’t you, right?  I didn’t really realize that until fairly recently.  That voice is your ego.  Not you.  You are the one that’s listening to the voice.  You’re the observer.  If you pay close enough attention to your ego mind, you’ll quickly realize that it literally doesn’t ever shut up.  Ever… But sometimes you actually stop listening, and it fades into the background.  Usually that happens when you’re really focused on something else… Especially if it’s something that you enjoy.  That’s a big reason why I think it’s so important for people to pursue their passions… To occupy their time with something that brings them joy.  But frequently our ego minds keep us from doing that.

I feel bad for my ego.  She’s so pessimistic.  Like, honestly, she’s seriously such a downer.  Give her any situation, and she’ll find a way to tell me the worst case scenario…  She points out all my imperfections.  Tells me I’m not good enough.  Not smart enough.  Not courageous enough.  Not pretty enough.  Not worthy of love.  I could go on forever about that nasty bitch… I should name her.  Hmmm, but then there would be a negative connotation to that name.  And I know exactly what that’s like.  Never mind.  She shall remain nameless.  Fuck her.  She doesn’t deserve a name.  Bitch.

Seriously though.  How many times in your life have you not gone after something you want because you listened to that voice tell you that you don’t deserve it?  I bet a lot.  There have probably been promotions you haven’t pursued.  Or clothes you didn’t buy.  Or maybe a trip you didn’t go on.  Even true love you didn’t go after.  Because your ego told you not to.  It told you that if you do, you’ll just get hurt.  You won’t get hired.  Your friends will tell you you look fat.  You can’t afford the trip.  And that boy could never possibly love you back.  So instead, you sell yourself short.  You keep yourself safe.  You don’t take risks in order to avoid the possibility of getting hurt.

But that’s all it is.  A possibility.  But your ego doesn’t see it that way.  She’s there to protect you.  She really is there trying to help.  But the thing is, you don’t really need her help anymore.  We’re no longer living in caves being hunted by predators.  We aren’t in constant danger.  So now your ego doesn’t know what the fuck to do with herself.  So she keeps herself busy.  Yammering on and on and on about all the bad things that could happen, but probably won’t.  Protecting you from imagined hurts and heart breaks.  But here’s the problem… The consequences of listening to her are those same hurts and heart breaks.  Perhaps to a lesser degree, because you’re doing it to yourself, but now your left not knowing what would’ve happened if you actually pursued that which you desire.  Right?  So I say, fuck your ego.  I mean, I know she means well.  But, seriously, fuck her.  It’s time to stop listening to her negativity… And besides, there’s another part of you that’s been calling out, and you haven’t been listening.  Another part of you that’s just as smart, if not smarter than your mind, that’s been relentlessly trying to get your attention.  Perhaps you should start listening to her instead.

Your heart.


You hear her, but you just don’t listen.  I hear her too.  She’s a risk taker, that one.  She doesn’t give a shit about borders or boundaries.  Nope.  She knows what she wants, and she really wants you to go after it.  How come you don’t listen to her?  I know.  I don’t listen to her either.  None of us do.  At least not as much as we should.  But honestly, I think your heart knows what’s best for you.  She’s intuitive.  She knows your soul.  She knows your deepest desires.  And she’s completely unafraid of going after them.  Isn’t she amazing?

Maybe we should start listening to her.  You know there really isn’t any reason to believe you aren’t worthy of all that your heart desires.  Because you are.  Worthy.  We all are.  So the next time your mind says you shouldn’t, or you couldn’t, or tells you you’re not worthy, maybe stop for a second and see if you can feel what your heart is whispering to you.  I bet it’s saying you should, and you could… And you are absolutely worthy.  And you know what?  She’s right.

Ingrid Michaelson~Whole Lot of Heart



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The Show Goes On

By May 16, 2017 Uncategorized

Time is a funny thing.  The past is always gone.  The future is never here.  So really all there is, is right now.  Right?  Except in our minds.  Most of us obsessively either live in the past or the future.  Regretting mistakes and worrying about shit that probably won’t ever happen.  The ego mind is so fucking annoying.  I don’t know which camp you guys are in, but my mind resides in the future.

I used to sit around worrying about the most ridiculous shit.  All day.  Everyday.  I don’t do that anymore.  Thank the fucking Lord.  And I certainly don’t waste much time thinking about the past.  Shit, I can barely remember most of it.  That makes dwelling on it kind of difficult.  I’ll walk into work and a friend will ask how my weekend was and I’m all like, “How was my weekend?… Hmmm, how was my weekend?  What the fuck did I do?  Oh my God!  What did I do yesterday?…. I literally can’t remember.”  No seriously.  What did I do yesterday?  I actually can’t recall.  Facepalm.  I think there might be something wrong with my brain.


I don’t care though.  We’ll just go ahead and blame it on the lack of sleep.  Whatever.  The past has never really been that important to me.  I mean, it matters… obviously.  I just don’t really hang onto it.  Once it’s gone, it’s gone.  Sayonara!

Senior year of high school I was the captain of the cheering team.  I was the one they tossed in the air.  It was so fun… And I was actually pretty good.  At the end of the season awards were passed out at the banquet.  It was really for the basketball players, but they handed out a couple of cheerleading awards as well.  I got a big ol trophy for ‘Best All Around.’  I don’t know if you guys know this… I’m kind of a big deal.  Haha!  For real though, at the time, it meant a lot to me.  I was pretty fucking amped about that award.  Ask me where that trophy is now.  No clue.  It’s more than likely I threw it away.  Fuuuuuuck it.

In 2008 I was at the top of my class when I graduated from Simmons College.  Fucking geek.  Anyway, I received a book award for excellence in the field of special education.  Like I said, I’m kind of a big deal.  There was this big ceremony where they gave speeches about all the award recipients.  My mom, who also happens to be a geek, was very proud.  Apple doesn’t fall far, I guess.  Anyway, ask me what the title of the book was.  No clue.  Ask me if I read it.  Nope.  Ask if I know where it is.  Scratching my head.  I’m pretty sure this one I didn’t toss.  It’s here… Somewhere.  I just don’t know where.  Like I said, I’m not one to live in the past.  I’ve learned from it for sure.  And I do hold onto those lessons.  But I don’t really spend much time thinking about it.


The future is a different story though.  My mind is perpetually hanging out there.  If it’s not busy doing something else, it’s creating some theoretical future version of my life.  It used to be that my future was bleak.  Armageddon was definitely upon us.  Brutal.  Right?  I knew with absolute certainty that the end of the world was going to by high water.  In my defense, Ceci made that thought enter my mind.  One night, as she was picking out pajamas, she suddenly just stopped and looked at me.  She actually looked a little scared.  I asked what was wrong… “A wave is coming.”  I was totally baffled.  “Ceci, what are you talking about?”  Then she shrugged it off and said, “Don’t worry.  It won’t hurt.  You’ll just go to sleep.”  Say whaaaaaaat?  Kid’s got the sixth sense.  I’m hoping she was talking about a version of me that’s living in some alternate Universe.  Needless to say, the ocean sort of wigs me out now.  Luckily I’ve moved on from crazy.  Now I’m a daydream believer.  A fantasizer.  An optimist…  I make wishes on the moon and stars, and roam off into wonderland, thinking about what it would be like if they came true.  I like it up there in my mind.  It’s a nice escape from… well… the present.

I pop on my headphones.  Blast my favorite tunes.  And off I go.  I block out all the things in the present that I just don’t want to deal with.  The fucking mess.  The toys.  The dishes.  The laundry.  The fucking pile of papers that’s been sitting on my kitchen counter for months.  All the daily bullshit.

Right now.  This moment… Is something I have a hard time with.  Just like everyone else.  It’s not exactly what I want it to be.  It’s harder than it should be.  The daily grind…  It’s so fucking tiring.  But you know what?  Regardless of how I use the present moment, it will become the past.  The show goes on… Right?  And how I use right now will determine what my future will look like.  So, if the future I picture in my head is ever going to become my present, I actually  have to pursue it.  Now.  But I find myself overwhelmed by how much shit constantly needs to get done.  I’m dealing with a lot… Just like everyone else.  But today… Right now.  I am going to get something done.  And I’ll do my best to also enjoy myself.  I just opened every single window in my house.  The air smells sweet and I have Sia blasting.    And as soon as I finish this post, I’m grabbing a big trash bag,  I’m heading into the play room, and I’m getting to work.

Lupe Fiasco~The Show Goes On




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I’m Bringing Sexy Back

By May 10, 2017 Uncategorized
Close up of woman biting her lip with bright red lipstick

Oh man!  You guys ready?  Because I’m ’bout to get weird on y’all.  Like… freaky deaky.  You ready?  To give you an idea of where my head’s at, my goal for this post is to use the word ‘kinky’ at least five times.  Youngins best cover your eyes or see yourselves out of here…

So tonight there’s a full moon in Scorpio.  And do you know what that means?… Oh, you thought I might?  Yeah, I actually have no clue.  I’m not really into astrology.  I do love reading energy forecasts though.  Sometimes they’re so accurate they wig me the fuck out.  Anyway, so the full moon in Scorpio means it’s time to bring your sexy back.  Or at least that’s what she said.  (Haha!)  And I totally believe her.  Can’t you just feel that pent up sexual energy?  Ow ow!  Well it’s time to let it out, and this Scorpio full moon will help you…  You know,  if you’re a little nervous about getting… kinky.  


Really though, Scorpio’s energy is about intimacy, romance, and sex.  And not even necessarily with another person.  It’s about being comfortable in your own skin.  Loving yourself just as you are.  And when you really love yourself, you’re not afraid to explore uncharted territory… In bed.

Okay, so back in the day, when I used to hit the bars on the regular with friends, we would frequently go to one particular Chinese food restaurant after a long night of drinking.  We all always ordered the same thing… One night I went up to the counter, drunk as fuck, and placed my order, “Hi.  I’d like the 15B and coke.”  The man behind the counter looked at me then responded, “I don’t think you have enough money for that.”  Clearly confused, I assured him I had money and again said, “I want the 15B and coke.”  He paused, then repeated that he didn’t think I could afford it.  So now I’m drunk, hungry, and getting annoyed.  For the last time I repeated myself slowly, so as not to confuse this motherfucker…  “No.  I have money.  I would like to order the 15B and a Coca Cola.”  And then it was though the lights came on.  He looked at me and said, “Oooooh.  Coca Cola.  For that you have to use the vending machine.”  What the fuck!  Dude was definitely selling cocaine out of his restaurant.  Shady.  Lord knows what else was going on there.  I don’t even want to know.  And I definitely still ate the 15B.  Gross.

Anyway, what the hell was my point?  Oh, right… I said ‘in bed’ and it made me think of fortune cookies, which made me think of that story.  Wow.  My brain is all over the place.  Okay, so anyway… Fortune cookies… They come with, well, fortunes.  Duh.  Remember when you were younger, you’d play that stupid game with your fortunes?  Everyone would open their cookie and read it out loud to the group, and add ‘in bed’ to the end of the sentence.  It was usually good for a chuckle.  I promise you, I do have a point in all of this… It just may take me a bit to get to it.  Bare with  me…

So tonight I’ll be setting intentions with the full moon.  Normally for full moons your intentions should be to release that which is no longer serving your highest good in life.  During new moons you can set intentions for what it is that you’d like to manifest into your life.  But apparently, because of the current energies in the Universe, with this full moon we can do either.  Woohoo!  Okay, okay… I know I’m getting all types of weird over here.  So let me just show you.

I’ve decided for this full moon I’ll be focusing on sexuality, and these are the intentions I’ll  be setting:


I had to throw in that last one just for good measure.  I needed to make sure I was absolutely clear with the Universe what it is I’m talking about.  And just for giggles, you can go ahead and throw in the phrase ‘in bed’ at the end of each of my sentences… Or wherever happens to be your favorite place to fuck.  Kinky.  See, I told you I had a point to all the fortune cookie nonsense.  I mean, I suppose I could’ve just left it all out, but where’s the fun in that?  Anyway, moving on.  So tonight before bed, I’ll go outside, read my intentions, and then burn the paper.  Sounds a little like voodoo, huh?  I mean, I guess it kind of is.  But honestly, it’s a nice way for me to remind myself what I’m working towards in my life.  And apparently at the moment I’m working on bringing sexy back.

Ladies!!!  Gentleman too, but LAAAAADIIIIIES!!!!  The time has come.  Let out the wild woman that’s hiding inside.  That thing you think about but have never admitted out loud… Do that.  Get kinky.  You know you want to.  And you and the lucky person you’re sleeping with can thank me later…  Yowza!  Now, go ‘head girl… Get your sexy on.

Justin Timberlake~SexyBack

Namaste, you sexy bitches.


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We Run This Mutha

By May 9, 2017 Uncategorized

Have you ever met someone that you immediately click with?  A person that instantly just gets you?  Someone that’s easy and fun to just be around?  That’s how I feel about Jenn.  We jive.  Although, we’ve known each other since high school, and have just recently become close friends.  Back in the day, we cheered together.  She used to toss me in the air.  It was a good time.  But we didn’t hang out much.  I was somewhat of a goody-two-shoes.  And she was…. not. Ha!  Post college we danced together.  That was also a good time.  But again, we didn’t really have much of a friendship outside the dance studio.  We did however, enjoy shaking our asses on stage together.  I have no idea where Jenn is, but if you pay attention, I bet you can figure out which one is me.

Hint:  I’m the ‘Becky’ that gets her ass smacked.

Fast forward a few more years, and our little girls go to the same alternative school, with a focus on self-directed learning.  The model fosters critical thinking, creativity, and growing up to become a total bad ass.  In a nutshell, parents who send their kids to this type of school are telling the ‘system’ to fuck off.

These girls right here… They ain’t gonna follow the rules.  Nope.  They’re going to be the ones that help to rewrite them.


Our girls becoming such great friends has given me and Jenn the best excuse to hang out constantly.  Last week Jenn randomly asked if I wanted to go to Foxwoods for a night.  Normally this isn’t something I’d really do.  Sounds like a money pit to me.  But Jenn could make hanging out in paper bag fun, so I figured why not?  Besides, it’s always nice having an excuse to get dolled up.


And to spend way too much money on more food than you could ever possibly eat.


We’re going to go ahead and blame this 2am room service order on the alcohol.  The excessively massive tip I gave them can be blamed on my stupidity.  Ha!  The hours leading up to this ridiculous purchase were a blast though, so it was worth the $80.

I’m pretty sure we spent approximately 30 minutes gambling.  The rest of the time we laughed our asses off at each other.  We spent more time crouched over, dying laughing in the bathroom than anyplace else.  I damn near pissed my pants.  Jenn is terrible at taking selfies.  And I’m pretty sure I might have a concussion from smashing my head into the mirror… It’s a long story. I’d pay good money to get my hands on the picture Jenn took of herself.  But then she’d probably kill me.  We finished off our overnight with a failed attempt at getting tattoos (whomp whomp) and then played music way too loud the whole ride home.  I’m pretty sure we looked wicked cool.  Her pimped out Cherokee puts my ’02 Caravan to shame.

When I hang with Jenn, I feel about as cool as these two bad ass females.  But Jenn… Jenn actually is this cool:

Beyonce~Run The World




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Don’t Give Up, I Won’t Give Up

By May 7, 2017 Uncategorized

Lately life sort of feels like a song I hate that’s stuck on repeat.  Anyone else feel that way or just me?  Please tell me I’m not the only one.  Brutal.  The last few weeks have felt… exhausting, in every sense of the word.  Am I right?  Oh man, the other day I woke up and I swear my angry eyebrow wrinkle was deeper than ever.  It looked as if I’d spent the entire night sleeping with a scowl on my face.  What the fuck?  I fell off the wagon, man.  Actually, I jumped.

For the past month or so, I’ve been in a total slump.  Not working out.  Eating like shit.  Not sleeping.  Not meditating.  Nothing.  I’ve literally been my own worst enemy.  I’m not sure what’s going on, but it’s time for a change.  If my life was a tower made of a deck of cards, it’s as if I’m waiting for someone or something to come along and pull out one of the cards from the bottom, causing the whole thing to come crashing down.  Only then would I have permission to pick up the pieces and start building a new tower.  It feels almost as if I’m waiting for the Universe to throw me a bone.  Like I’m hoping for some sort of event to occur that would cause me to start actively making changes in my life.  Ya know?

But life doesn’t work like that.  I’ve had the ‘when’ attitude for a while.  I’ll start eating better when I have more time.  I’ll get up earlier to squeeze in a daily yoga practice when the kids start sleeping better.  I’ll organize our clothes and toys when I have a day without the kids here.  Get what I mean?  But having that attitude is getting me nowhere.  Honestly, change will happen in my life when I make it happen… By being the change.

So I’m starting now.  Actually, no I’m not.  I’m starting Tuesday.  Why?  Because I have a girls night planned for tomorrow and a hangover planned for Monday.  Ha!  So Tuesday it is.  But I’ve made up my mind.  And the first thing to go is this:


And also this:


Okay, wait… Let’s pump the brakes for a sec.  There’s no way in hell I’m giving up coffee.  But I’m giving up Dunks… Except maybe on weekends.  And Weekdays.  Gah!  I don’t know if I can do this one.  But I’m really going to pretend to try.

And since 90% of my fluid intake is coffee and wine, I obviously need to replace it with something, right?  I guess it should be this:



Seriously though.  It’s time for me to start being accountable for my own life.  I can’t just expect things to get better without putting in the work.  I’m so tired.  So fucking tired… But I need to stop using that as an excuse, because that’s exactly what it is.  And not nourishing my body is not helping anything.  I could create a list a mile long of the things that need to change, but I’ve realized the hard way that I need to start small.  My life is mine, right?  And my body is my temple.

You know, for a while I’ve sort of had moments where I feel like… what the fuck, man!  Fuck it.  I give up.  I’m done caring.  I’m done trying.  I’d prefer to sit on my couch, a hot fucking mess, and wait for someone or something to fix my problems.  I’m tired.  And I’m done.

Except I’m not done.  And I’m not giving up.  I don’t feel well.  And I think that’s what I’m most tired of.  I want to feel young, and energized, and beautiful, and full of life.  And I will.  Baby steps, right?  I got stamina.

The Greatest~Sia ft. Kendrick Lamar




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