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Becky the Nontoxinista

I’m Waking Up.

By June 19, 2017 Uncategorized

Guys, I kind of can’t deal with social media these days.  Have you noticed everyone is #woke?  What’s up with that?  Like, ev-er-y-one is totally #woke.  Am I right?  They share the latest headline about something fucking terrible, then add the hashtag… #WOKE.

Okay, I actually don’t hate it.  I kinda dig it.  I’m glad y’all think you’re ‘woke.’  However, I beg to differ.  You ain’t woke.  Oh don’t you worry.  I ain’t woke either.  But I’m ‘woker’ than most.  Haha!  But you guys are a little exhausting.  You remind me of me…. like five years ago.  I looked a lot like this:


Ha!  I kid… Sort of.  For real though.  Everyone is all in a huff about how sucky our world is.  Especially here in the great United States of America.  Shit’s fucking turbulent over here!  You literally can’t avoid finding out the next thing that is going to end it all unless you completely avoid all media.  I wish I was kidding.

I get it.  I’m with y’all… Shit’s hard right now!  But we certainly are not #woke.  So what, you ask, is woke?  Woke is the holy dude that parted the sea… Who did that?  No seriously.  Who?  I was raised Catholic, but I actually have no clue.  Woke is Buddha.  Woke is Jesus.  I’d also probably argue woke is folks like John Lennon and Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.  They were #woke.  We are not.  So what are we?

Well… we’re waking up.  We’re becoming #woke.  But we’re not there yet.  Isn’t it fun!  (Note sarcasm)  Brutal.  Guys, here’s the thing.  All of us are going through this.  At different times and rates.  But we’re all going through this together.  If you’re reading this and you’re all like, ‘What the fuck is this crazy bitch talking about?’, you’re one of the few people left with their head still in the sand.  Don’t worry.  You’ll join the crazy soon.

Anyway, what’s my point?  Ahhhh!  I hate when this happens.  I always have a point, but sometimes I forget.  It’s definitely the wine’s fault.  I just poured my third glass… Sloooow down, Becky.


Okay, so my point…  So, remember the nuclear meltdown at Fukushima? When that happened, I literally lost my mind.  For me, it was definitely the thing that was going to end all things.  I mean, I guess it still could, but I choose not to think about it.  Anyway, you can fill in the blank.  What’s your Fukushima?  What is it that you fear?  What is it that makes you angry?  What’s your catalyst?  What made you… #WOKE?  Whatever it is, instead of fearing it, thank it.  I know.  I’m crazy.  But hear me out.

Without that catalyst, you’d still be one of those folks you’re screaming at on social media to wake the fuck up.  Right?  Without that fear… Without that anger…  You’d still be in a slumber.  Walking through life completely unaware of all the terrible shit that’s happening.  For a second that actually sounds kind of nice doesn’t it?  To be blissfully unaware… But once you start waking up, you can’t go back to sleep.  There’s no going back.  So now what?

I mean, I guess you just keep going.  Keep doing what you’re doing.  But if you’re anything like me, holding onto that anger and fear will eventually get too exhausting.  Spewing hate and intolerance towards those who oppose your point of view will continue to fall on deaf ears.  Right?  I mean, never in the history of arguments on social media has anyone ever changed anyone’s mind.  Ever.  Reading a thread of comments on a controversial article is like repeatedly smashing your head against a wall.  Everyone walks away pissed off, and nothing changes.  Seriously, what’s the point?

I know being informed is important.  It’s entirely necessary for change to occur.  I get that.  But the fear and hate that seems to go along with the sharing of information is tiring.  So I say folks should maybe consider just living their lives with purpose.  Be the change you want to see… Right?  Fuck all the noise.  Just live.

Break free from the system.  Unchain yourself.  Turn off the news.  Take a break from social media.  And live.  Take a few minutes each day to sit inside your heart…  Take a walk.  Or a nap.  Hug your kids.  Drive fast with your windows down and the volume up.  Dance in your kitchen.  Exercise.  Meditate.  Read a book for pleasure.  Close your eyes and feel the light that resides within you.  Love fiercely.  And know that that feeling… When you’re in this moment.  That is when you’re #WOKE.

Welcome to the new age.

Imagine Dragons feat. Kendrick Lamar~Radioactive



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In The Blink Of An Eye

By June 8, 2017 Uncategorized

I have a question… Are you noticing the moments?  The small ones?  I’m pretty sure they’re the most important ones.  Because, in combination, they actually equal a whole lot.  Way more than the daily bull shit that tends to drag us all down.  I wish we were better at noticing those amazing moments.

Today I went shopping for a new pair of shoes.  Ryan was with me, and I forgot the stroller.  I actually don’t use it all that much anymore, but there are times when it’s so helpful.  Today would’ve been one of those days.  As I roamed around DSW, Ryan was his usual self.  Knocking stacks of shoe boxes on the floor, climbing shelves, loud, and just all around difficult… But cute as hell.  It took what felt like an eternity to get from the entrance of the store to my destination at the back left corner.  But honestly, I wasn’t in a rush, so I consciously decided to not get annoyed, and slowly followed Ryan, and interjected his shenanigans when necessary.

Eventually we got where we were going and I started looking for black dress shoes.  I grabbed a pair of peds, and quickly scanned the aisle for anything cute to try on.  Meanwhile, Ryan decided to pick up all the scraps of tissue paper on the floor and deliver them to a nearby trash bin.  I kept him in my peripheral as I tried on a pair of shoes.  Two women, old enough to be Ryan’s grandmother, were browsing purses at a display next to where I was sitting.  As Ryan returned from his final trip to the trash, he ran toward the women like a bat out of Hell, and aggressively yanked the purse out of one of the women’s hands as he proclaimed, “It’s RED!  It’s my bag!”  Then he refused to let go.

I was appalled.  He has never done something like that to a stranger before.  I quickly walked over, removed the bag from his hands and said, “You’re right.  It is red.  But it isn’t yours.  It’s her’s.”  Then I handed the bag back to the nice woman, and apologized for his behavior.  The moment that followed was what stuck with me… It was one of those ‘small moments’ I was referring to earlier.  She looked at my little boy with obvious love in her eyes and responded, “It’s okay.”

That was it…  But her look said it all.  She didn’t even know my sweet boy, and all that she saw of him was misbehavior.   But it didn’t matter.  She looked at him with love anyway.  That moment stuck with me all day.


Hours later, I was driving both Ceci and Ryan home from picking Ceci up at school.  As we were driving along, Ceci asked, “Mama, what do you call a camel with three humps?”  I pretended to think really hard then responded, “Pregnant!”  Admittedly, if I hadn’t already heard that joke about a million times, I wouldn’t have known the answer, buuuuut… Anyway, Ceci sighed then continued, “Okay, let’s do that again, but this time pretend you don’t know the answer, okay?”  I obliged, and she asked again.  This time I totally embellished with my thinking face, then said, “I don’t know.  What?”  “PREGNANT!” She yelled, then laughed as loud and obnoxiously as is humanly possible.  I followed suit and did a loud, fake laugh as well.  Ryan, who had been sitting beside Ceci observing the whole interaction, joined in the fun, and he too began fake laughing.  As the laughter died down, Ryan turned to Ceci with a serious expression on his face and said, “Ceci, that no funny joke!”  With a dramatic scowl on his face, he gave a little “hmmfff”as he crossed his arms across his chest and glared at his sister.  I glanced in the review mirror to gauge Ceci’s reaction to Ryan’s comment.  She gave me a toothy grin then said, “He’s two, Mama.  He has no clue what he’s talking about.”  Then she laughed a real belly laugh… And we all cracked up laughing.  I looked back at both of my kids and made sure to relish that silly little moment.  They’re the best kind.


When you’re a parent I think it’s pretty easy to notice and be grateful for those types of small moments.  They happen everyday, countless times.  But children aren’t the only ones that gift us with those ‘small moments’ that are so important.  We all have the ability to give small moments of joy to those around us.  Right?  And I think most of us do it without so much as giving it a thought…  Anytime you hold a door open for the person walking behind you.  Or when you let a car merge in front of you in a line of traffic.  And of course when you go through the drive-thru at Dunks, make eye contact with the person who made your coffee, and say ‘thank you,’ and really mean it.  We all do these types of things every single day.  We pat our loyal dogs on their heads when they greet us at the door.  We notice when the air smells good after a good long bout of rain.  And all women love that amazing feeling when we unclip our bras at the end of a long day… Am I right?!  Ha!

Lately I’ve been trying really hard to notice those small moments, because in the blink of an eye, they’re gone.  Pushed into the past.  I try to take just an extra moment to appreciate all of life’s little moments of joy that can so easily pass us by, completely unnoticed.  I enjoy a summer breeze.  I smile at complete strangers.  I tickle torture my kids.  I drive with my window down and my radio up.  I sing loud as fuck and dance in the driver’s seat, and when those passing by notice and laugh, I wave and smile.  All life is, is the compilation of small moments.  Most of them are good, with some bad ones sprinkled in.  Notice the good ones.  Appreciate them.  And give them out to others.  If you do, I promise you, that even amidst the troubles and chaos of our world, you will see… Life is good.


Don’t Blink ~ Kenny Chesney

Cover Photo Credit: Jamison Wexler


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I’m The Satellite And You’re The Sky

By May 29, 2017 Uncategorized

This girl.  This girl right here.  She is something so special… I know I talk about her a lot, but the time has come for me to sit and really spill the beans on how important she is to me and my spiritual growth.  She’s anything but ordinary.  She’s special in the most amazing ways.

Cecilia is six years old, but has a soul as old as time.  Tonight before bed she had a moment.  Well, it was more than a moment.  It was about an hour of what started out feeling like torture.  When I told Ceci it was time for bed she had a complete meltdown.  Screaming, crying, hitting, throwing toys.  The whole nine yards… But then she started screaming something that really bothered me.  “I’m stupid.  I’m just so stupid.”  Over and over and over.  I had no idea where it was coming from or why she was saying it.  Luckily, I was able to gather an extraordinary amount of patience, and continuously responded to her with love.  “What are you talking about?  You’re so smart.  And amazing.  And beautiful.  And wonderful.  And kind.  And loving… You’re perfect.”  But she just kept repeating that she was stupid.  So I just kept repeating all that I think is so wonderful about her.

Then she fell apart.  “Mommy, it’s just so hard being human.  I try so hard, but sometimes I hurt people.  And then when they get hurt, it hurts me.  Or other people do whatever they want to, and if I don’t like it, that can hurt me too.  I can’t hold it in anymore.  It’s just too hard.”  Then she sobbed.  I carried her up to bed, where she cried herself to sleep as I hugged her.

Big sigh…  She’s six.  Take a second and think about how it must feel to be sitting inside her heart.  She understands and can express things most people lying on their deathbeds can just barely grasp.  And she’s my little girl.


When Ceci was about two she went to Target with her aunt, Allison.  As they walked down an aisle, Ceci turned to her auntie and exclaimed, “Grampy’s here!”  Allison, knowing Ceci had had experiences like this before asked, “Oh yeah?  Where is he?”  Ceci pointed to the top of a display and answered, “There!  By the pumpkin… He’s eating a cookie.  He says he can eat now.  His belly doesn’t hurt anymore.”  My dad died of stomach cancer.

A couple of years later, when I was pregnant with Ryan, one night I sat with Ceci in her bed and read her a few stories before it was time to go to sleep.   After we finished reading, we chatted for a bit.  As our conversation neared its end, I looked at her and said something I’ve said countless times, “Ceci, I’m so glad that God gave me you.”  Her response was something she hadn’t said before.  “Mommy, God didn’t give me to you.  I picked you.”  Then she went on to explain how her soul thought Mike and I would be the perfect parents for her, and how she chose us.  Then out of nowhere, she turned to me and said, “You know, Grampy has wings that sparkle.  It’s like they’re covered in glitter.”  So of course I asked, “How do you know that?”  Her response made me cry.  “He brought me to you.  When I was born, he flew me down to you.  And there were angels all around… And then I was here…”  Instantly tears came pouring out of my eyes.  She never ceases to amaze me.


Being a parent is never easy.  But I think it’s probably more important for us parents to remember that being a child is never easy either.  Ceci has this amazing ability to express herself.  She remembers the love of God… or heaven… or wherever it is that we come from.  She knows.  And being away from that type of love is hard for her.  It’s hard for all of us.  But she’s consciously aware of it.  And she can verbally express it.  A true angel living in a human body.

Of course, all of us are angels living in human bodies, right?  Or at least that’s what I choose to believe.  We all have our own lessons, challenges, and experiences… Probably that we chose to face before we came here.  But we’re all angels.  Every single one of us.  I think we could stand to learn a lot by listening to our children.  By showing them patience, and understanding, and kindness.  I mean, of course sometimes that feels impossible, and we respond in ways that are only human, right?  And that’s okay… Because we are human.  But those moments… The really hard ones…  When our little loves are completely incapable of handling life and all the shit that it throws at them… In those moments, what they need is love.  Right?  Because really, isn’t that all that they are?  Little vessels of love… Sent from heaven, to help us learn to love more fully.  And unconditionally.

You know, Ceci really is no different than any other child.  She’s not any more or less special than any other little angel sent here from heaven.  All that she is able to express are the same things that all children feel.  I’m so blessed that she is able to articulate what’s happening inside of her.  That she can tell us what’s going on, so that Mike and I can help her.  We certainly have our work cut out for us with this one.  And it doesn’t promise to be easy.  But the rewards are well worth it.  She teaches us so much.  And when I envision Cecilia’s future, I see something so bright.  I see her moving mountains.  And gazing at stars.  Dreaming big and fearlessly pursuing that which brings her joy.  She’s such a gift.  And I’m so glad she chose me.

Cecilia and the Satellite~Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness





Photo Credit: Jamison Wexler


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There’s A Whole Lot Of Heart In Me

By May 22, 2017 Uncategorized

You know that voice in your head?  The one that literally doesn’t stop talking… Isn’t it so annoying?  Like, I wish the ego mind came with an off switch.  “Hey, brain… I need a break.  So if you could just go ahead and be quiet for a hot minute, that would be awesome.  Kay?  Thaaaaaaanks.”  Seriously.  That shit is so exhausting.  And sometimes… Actually, for almost everyone, most times, that voice is not so nice.  Why the hell do we all listen to it?

You know that voice isn’t you, right?  I didn’t really realize that until fairly recently.  That voice is your ego.  Not you.  You are the one that’s listening to the voice.  You’re the observer.  If you pay close enough attention to your ego mind, you’ll quickly realize that it literally doesn’t ever shut up.  Ever… But sometimes you actually stop listening, and it fades into the background.  Usually that happens when you’re really focused on something else… Especially if it’s something that you enjoy.  That’s a big reason why I think it’s so important for people to pursue their passions… To occupy their time with something that brings them joy.  But frequently our ego minds keep us from doing that.

I feel bad for my ego.  She’s so pessimistic.  Like, honestly, she’s seriously such a downer.  Give her any situation, and she’ll find a way to tell me the worst case scenario…  She points out all my imperfections.  Tells me I’m not good enough.  Not smart enough.  Not courageous enough.  Not pretty enough.  Not worthy of love.  I could go on forever about that nasty bitch… I should name her.  Hmmm, but then there would be a negative connotation to that name.  And I know exactly what that’s like.  Never mind.  She shall remain nameless.  Fuck her.  She doesn’t deserve a name.  Bitch.

Seriously though.  How many times in your life have you not gone after something you want because you listened to that voice tell you that you don’t deserve it?  I bet a lot.  There have probably been promotions you haven’t pursued.  Or clothes you didn’t buy.  Or maybe a trip you didn’t go on.  Even true love you didn’t go after.  Because your ego told you not to.  It told you that if you do, you’ll just get hurt.  You won’t get hired.  Your friends will tell you you look fat.  You can’t afford the trip.  And that boy could never possibly love you back.  So instead, you sell yourself short.  You keep yourself safe.  You don’t take risks in order to avoid the possibility of getting hurt.

But that’s all it is.  A possibility.  But your ego doesn’t see it that way.  She’s there to protect you.  She really is there trying to help.  But the thing is, you don’t really need her help anymore.  We’re no longer living in caves being hunted by predators.  We aren’t in constant danger.  So now your ego doesn’t know what the fuck to do with herself.  So she keeps herself busy.  Yammering on and on and on about all the bad things that could happen, but probably won’t.  Protecting you from imagined hurts and heart breaks.  But here’s the problem… The consequences of listening to her are those same hurts and heart breaks.  Perhaps to a lesser degree, because you’re doing it to yourself, but now your left not knowing what would’ve happened if you actually pursued that which you desire.  Right?  So I say, fuck your ego.  I mean, I know she means well.  But, seriously, fuck her.  It’s time to stop listening to her negativity… And besides, there’s another part of you that’s been calling out, and you haven’t been listening.  Another part of you that’s just as smart, if not smarter than your mind, that’s been relentlessly trying to get your attention.  Perhaps you should start listening to her instead.

Your heart.


You hear her, but you just don’t listen.  I hear her too.  She’s a risk taker, that one.  She doesn’t give a shit about borders or boundaries.  Nope.  She knows what she wants, and she really wants you to go after it.  How come you don’t listen to her?  I know.  I don’t listen to her either.  None of us do.  At least not as much as we should.  But honestly, I think your heart knows what’s best for you.  She’s intuitive.  She knows your soul.  She knows your deepest desires.  And she’s completely unafraid of going after them.  Isn’t she amazing?

Maybe we should start listening to her.  You know there really isn’t any reason to believe you aren’t worthy of all that your heart desires.  Because you are.  Worthy.  We all are.  So the next time your mind says you shouldn’t, or you couldn’t, or tells you you’re not worthy, maybe stop for a second and see if you can feel what your heart is whispering to you.  I bet it’s saying you should, and you could… And you are absolutely worthy.  And you know what?  She’s right.

Ingrid Michaelson~Whole Lot of Heart



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The Show Goes On

By May 16, 2017 Uncategorized

Time is a funny thing.  The past is always gone.  The future is never here.  So really all there is, is right now.  Right?  Except in our minds.  Most of us obsessively either live in the past or the future.  Regretting mistakes and worrying about shit that probably won’t ever happen.  The ego mind is so fucking annoying.  I don’t know which camp you guys are in, but my mind resides in the future.

I used to sit around worrying about the most ridiculous shit.  All day.  Everyday.  I don’t do that anymore.  Thank the fucking Lord.  And I certainly don’t waste much time thinking about the past.  Shit, I can barely remember most of it.  That makes dwelling on it kind of difficult.  I’ll walk into work and a friend will ask how my weekend was and I’m all like, “How was my weekend?… Hmmm, how was my weekend?  What the fuck did I do?  Oh my God!  What did I do yesterday?…. I literally can’t remember.”  No seriously.  What did I do yesterday?  I actually can’t recall.  Facepalm.  I think there might be something wrong with my brain.


I don’t care though.  We’ll just go ahead and blame it on the lack of sleep.  Whatever.  The past has never really been that important to me.  I mean, it matters… obviously.  I just don’t really hang onto it.  Once it’s gone, it’s gone.  Sayonara!

Senior year of high school I was the captain of the cheering team.  I was the one they tossed in the air.  It was so fun… And I was actually pretty good.  At the end of the season awards were passed out at the banquet.  It was really for the basketball players, but they handed out a couple of cheerleading awards as well.  I got a big ol trophy for ‘Best All Around.’  I don’t know if you guys know this… I’m kind of a big deal.  Haha!  For real though, at the time, it meant a lot to me.  I was pretty fucking amped about that award.  Ask me where that trophy is now.  No clue.  It’s more than likely I threw it away.  Fuuuuuuck it.

In 2008 I was at the top of my class when I graduated from Simmons College.  Fucking geek.  Anyway, I received a book award for excellence in the field of special education.  Like I said, I’m kind of a big deal.  There was this big ceremony where they gave speeches about all the award recipients.  My mom, who also happens to be a geek, was very proud.  Apple doesn’t fall far, I guess.  Anyway, ask me what the title of the book was.  No clue.  Ask me if I read it.  Nope.  Ask if I know where it is.  Scratching my head.  I’m pretty sure this one I didn’t toss.  It’s here… Somewhere.  I just don’t know where.  Like I said, I’m not one to live in the past.  I’ve learned from it for sure.  And I do hold onto those lessons.  But I don’t really spend much time thinking about it.


The future is a different story though.  My mind is perpetually hanging out there.  If it’s not busy doing something else, it’s creating some theoretical future version of my life.  It used to be that my future was bleak.  Armageddon was definitely upon us.  Brutal.  Right?  I knew with absolute certainty that the end of the world was going to by high water.  In my defense, Ceci made that thought enter my mind.  One night, as she was picking out pajamas, she suddenly just stopped and looked at me.  She actually looked a little scared.  I asked what was wrong… “A wave is coming.”  I was totally baffled.  “Ceci, what are you talking about?”  Then she shrugged it off and said, “Don’t worry.  It won’t hurt.  You’ll just go to sleep.”  Say whaaaaaaat?  Kid’s got the sixth sense.  I’m hoping she was talking about a version of me that’s living in some alternate Universe.  Needless to say, the ocean sort of wigs me out now.  Luckily I’ve moved on from crazy.  Now I’m a daydream believer.  A fantasizer.  An optimist…  I make wishes on the moon and stars, and roam off into wonderland, thinking about what it would be like if they came true.  I like it up there in my mind.  It’s a nice escape from… well… the present.

I pop on my headphones.  Blast my favorite tunes.  And off I go.  I block out all the things in the present that I just don’t want to deal with.  The fucking mess.  The toys.  The dishes.  The laundry.  The fucking pile of papers that’s been sitting on my kitchen counter for months.  All the daily bullshit.

Right now.  This moment… Is something I have a hard time with.  Just like everyone else.  It’s not exactly what I want it to be.  It’s harder than it should be.  The daily grind…  It’s so fucking tiring.  But you know what?  Regardless of how I use the present moment, it will become the past.  The show goes on… Right?  And how I use right now will determine what my future will look like.  So, if the future I picture in my head is ever going to become my present, I actually  have to pursue it.  Now.  But I find myself overwhelmed by how much shit constantly needs to get done.  I’m dealing with a lot… Just like everyone else.  But today… Right now.  I am going to get something done.  And I’ll do my best to also enjoy myself.  I just opened every single window in my house.  The air smells sweet and I have Sia blasting.    And as soon as I finish this post, I’m grabbing a big trash bag,  I’m heading into the play room, and I’m getting to work.

Lupe Fiasco~The Show Goes On




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