Nontoxinista

There’s A Whole Lot Of Heart In Me

By May 22, 2017 Uncategorized
heart

You know that voice in your head?  The one that literally doesn’t stop talking… Isn’t it so annoying?  Like, I wish the ego mind came with an off switch.  “Hey, brain… I need a break.  So if you could just go ahead and be quiet for a hot minute, that would be awesome.  Kay?  Thaaaaaaanks.”  Seriously.  That shit is so exhausting.  And sometimes… Actually, for almost everyone, most times, that voice is not so nice.  Why the hell do we all listen to it?

You know that voice isn’t you, right?  I didn’t really realize that until fairly recently.  That voice is your ego.  Not you.  You are the one that’s listening to the voice.  You’re the observer.  If you pay close enough attention to your ego mind, you’ll quickly realize that it literally doesn’t ever shut up.  Ever… But sometimes you actually stop listening, and it fades into the background.  Usually that happens when you’re really focused on something else… Especially if it’s something that you enjoy.  That’s a big reason why I think it’s so important for people to pursue their passions… To occupy their time with something that brings them joy.  But frequently our ego minds keep us from doing that.

I feel bad for my ego.  She’s so pessimistic.  Like, honestly, she’s seriously such a downer.  Give her any situation, and she’ll find a way to tell me the worst case scenario…  She points out all my imperfections.  Tells me I’m not good enough.  Not smart enough.  Not courageous enough.  Not pretty enough.  Not worthy of love.  I could go on forever about that nasty bitch… I should name her.  Hmmm, but then there would be a negative connotation to that name.  And I know exactly what that’s like.  Never mind.  She shall remain nameless.  Fuck her.  She doesn’t deserve a name.  Bitch.

Seriously though.  How many times in your life have you not gone after something you want because you listened to that voice tell you that you don’t deserve it?  I bet a lot.  There have probably been promotions you haven’t pursued.  Or clothes you didn’t buy.  Or maybe a trip you didn’t go on.  Even true love you didn’t go after.  Because your ego told you not to.  It told you that if you do, you’ll just get hurt.  You won’t get hired.  Your friends will tell you you look fat.  You can’t afford the trip.  And that boy could never possibly love you back.  So instead, you sell yourself short.  You keep yourself safe.  You don’t take risks in order to avoid the possibility of getting hurt.

But that’s all it is.  A possibility.  But your ego doesn’t see it that way.  She’s there to protect you.  She really is there trying to help.  But the thing is, you don’t really need her help anymore.  We’re no longer living in caves being hunted by predators.  We aren’t in constant danger.  So now your ego doesn’t know what the fuck to do with herself.  So she keeps herself busy.  Yammering on and on and on about all the bad things that could happen, but probably won’t.  Protecting you from imagined hurts and heart breaks.  But here’s the problem… The consequences of listening to her are those same hurts and heart breaks.  Perhaps to a lesser degree, because you’re doing it to yourself, but now your left not knowing what would’ve happened if you actually pursued that which you desire.  Right?  So I say, fuck your ego.  I mean, I know she means well.  But, seriously, fuck her.  It’s time to stop listening to her negativity… And besides, there’s another part of you that’s been calling out, and you haven’t been listening.  Another part of you that’s just as smart, if not smarter than your mind, that’s been relentlessly trying to get your attention.  Perhaps you should start listening to her instead.

Your heart.

me

You hear her, but you just don’t listen.  I hear her too.  She’s a risk taker, that one.  She doesn’t give a shit about borders or boundaries.  Nope.  She knows what she wants, and she really wants you to go after it.  How come you don’t listen to her?  I know.  I don’t listen to her either.  None of us do.  At least not as much as we should.  But honestly, I think your heart knows what’s best for you.  She’s intuitive.  She knows your soul.  She knows your deepest desires.  And she’s completely unafraid of going after them.  Isn’t she amazing?

Maybe we should start listening to her.  You know there really isn’t any reason to believe you aren’t worthy of all that your heart desires.  Because you are.  Worthy.  We all are.  So the next time your mind says you shouldn’t, or you couldn’t, or tells you you’re not worthy, maybe stop for a second and see if you can feel what your heart is whispering to you.  I bet it’s saying you should, and you could… And you are absolutely worthy.  And you know what?  She’s right.

Ingrid Michaelson~Whole Lot of Heart

You said there’s something ’bout the moon
It rose too soon
And we’re doing what we should
You said it’s life that moves too much
We’re losing touch
But I’m not losing youThere’s a whole lot of heart in me
I feel it under my skin
And I know and I know and I know
There’s a whole lot of heart in me
It takes a whole lot of heart to see
Everything’s coming down roses
And I know and I know and I know
There’s a whole lot of heart in meThere’s a whole lot of heart in meI said we’ve walked this way before
Now we know more
So raise a cup
I said “Let’s rule this kingdom now
Let’s live and love and tear it down
To build it up”There’s a whole lot of heart in me
I feel it under my skin
And I know and I know and I know
There’s a whole lot of heart in me
It takes a whole lot of heart to see
Everything’s coming down roses
And I know and I know and I know
There’s a whole lot of heart in meLet it go
To let it in
Let it in
Let it in
Let it goLet it go
To let it in
To let it in
Let it in
Let it goYou let it go
To let it inAnd I know and I know and I know
There’s a whole lot of heart in me
There’s a whole lot of heart in me
I feel it under my skin
And I know and I know and I know
There’s a whole lot of heart in me
It takes a whole lot of heart to see
Everything’s coming down roses
And I know and I know and I know
There’s a whole lot of heart in me
There’s a whole lot of heart in me
And I know and I know and I know
And I know and I know and I know
And I know and I know and I know
And I know and I know and I know
And I know and I know and I know
And I know and I know and I know
~Namaste~
Becky

 

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The Show Goes On

By May 16, 2017 Uncategorized
clock

Time is a funny thing.  The past is always gone.  The future is never here.  So really all there is, is right now.  Right?  Except in our minds.  Most of us obsessively either live in the past or the future.  Regretting mistakes and worrying about shit that probably won’t ever happen.  The ego mind is so fucking annoying.  I don’t know which camp you guys are in, but my mind resides in the future.

I used to sit around worrying about the most ridiculous shit.  All day.  Everyday.  I don’t do that anymore.  Thank the fucking Lord.  And I certainly don’t waste much time thinking about the past.  Shit, I can barely remember most of it.  That makes dwelling on it kind of difficult.  I’ll walk into work and a friend will ask how my weekend was and I’m all like, “How was my weekend?… Hmmm, how was my weekend?  What the fuck did I do?  Oh my God!  What did I do yesterday?…. I literally can’t remember.”  No seriously.  What did I do yesterday?  I actually can’t recall.  Facepalm.  I think there might be something wrong with my brain.

me

I don’t care though.  We’ll just go ahead and blame it on the lack of sleep.  Whatever.  The past has never really been that important to me.  I mean, it matters… obviously.  I just don’t really hang onto it.  Once it’s gone, it’s gone.  Sayonara!

Senior year of high school I was the captain of the cheering team.  I was the one they tossed in the air.  It was so fun… And I was actually pretty good.  At the end of the season awards were passed out at the banquet.  It was really for the basketball players, but they handed out a couple of cheerleading awards as well.  I got a big ol trophy for ‘Best All Around.’  I don’t know if you guys know this… I’m kind of a big deal.  Haha!  For real though, at the time, it meant a lot to me.  I was pretty fucking amped about that award.  Ask me where that trophy is now.  No clue.  It’s more than likely I threw it away.  Fuuuuuuck it.

In 2008 I was at the top of my class when I graduated from Simmons College.  Fucking geek.  Anyway, I received a book award for excellence in the field of special education.  Like I said, I’m kind of a big deal.  There was this big ceremony where they gave speeches about all the award recipients.  My mom, who also happens to be a geek, was very proud.  Apple doesn’t fall far, I guess.  Anyway, ask me what the title of the book was.  No clue.  Ask me if I read it.  Nope.  Ask if I know where it is.  Scratching my head.  I’m pretty sure this one I didn’t toss.  It’s here… Somewhere.  I just don’t know where.  Like I said, I’m not one to live in the past.  I’ve learned from it for sure.  And I do hold onto those lessons.  But I don’t really spend much time thinking about it.

past

The future is a different story though.  My mind is perpetually hanging out there.  If it’s not busy doing something else, it’s creating some theoretical future version of my life.  It used to be that my future was bleak.  Armageddon was definitely upon us.  Brutal.  Right?  I knew with absolute certainty that the end of the world was going to by high water.  In my defense, Ceci made that thought enter my mind.  One night, as she was picking out pajamas, she suddenly just stopped and looked at me.  She actually looked a little scared.  I asked what was wrong… “A wave is coming.”  I was totally baffled.  “Ceci, what are you talking about?”  Then she shrugged it off and said, “Don’t worry.  It won’t hurt.  You’ll just go to sleep.”  Say whaaaaaaat?  Kid’s got the sixth sense.  I’m hoping she was talking about a version of me that’s living in some alternate Universe.  Needless to say, the ocean sort of wigs me out now.  Luckily I’ve moved on from crazy.  Now I’m a daydream believer.  A fantasizer.  An optimist…  I make wishes on the moon and stars, and roam off into wonderland, thinking about what it would be like if they came true.  I like it up there in my mind.  It’s a nice escape from… well… the present.

I pop on my headphones.  Blast my favorite tunes.  And off I go.  I block out all the things in the present that I just don’t want to deal with.  The fucking mess.  The toys.  The dishes.  The laundry.  The fucking pile of papers that’s been sitting on my kitchen counter for months.  All the daily bullshit.

Right now.  This moment… Is something I have a hard time with.  Just like everyone else.  It’s not exactly what I want it to be.  It’s harder than it should be.  The daily grind…  It’s so fucking tiring.  But you know what?  Regardless of how I use the present moment, it will become the past.  The show goes on… Right?  And how I use right now will determine what my future will look like.  So, if the future I picture in my head is ever going to become my present, I actually  have to pursue it.  Now.  But I find myself overwhelmed by how much shit constantly needs to get done.  I’m dealing with a lot… Just like everyone else.  But today… Right now.  I am going to get something done.  And I’ll do my best to also enjoy myself.  I just opened every single window in my house.  The air smells sweet and I have Sia blasting.    And as soon as I finish this post, I’m grabbing a big trash bag,  I’m heading into the play room, and I’m getting to work.

Lupe Fiasco~The Show Goes On

Alright, already, the show goes on
All night, ’til the morning we dream so long
Anybody ever wonder
When they would see the sun up
Just remember when you come up
The show goes on

Have you ever had the feelin’ that you was bein’ had?
Don’t that shit there make you mad?
They treat you like a slave
Put chains all on your soul and put whips up on your back
They be lyin’ through they teeth
Hope you slip up off your path
I don’t switch up, I just laugh, put my kicks up on they desk
Unaffected by they threats, then get busy on they ass
See, that’s how that Chi-Town made me
That’s how my daddy raised me
That glitterin’ may not be gold, don’t let nobody play me
If you are my homeboy, you never have to pay me
Go in and put your hands up
When times is hard you stand up
L-U-P the man, ‘cause the brand that the fans trust
So even if they ban us, they’ll never slow my plans

Alright, already, the show goes on
All night, ’til the morning we dream so long
Anybody ever wonder
When they would see the sun up
Just remember when you come up
The show goes on

One in the air for the people ain’t here
Two in the air for the father that’s there
Three in the air for the kids in the ghetto
Four for the kids that don’t wanna be there
None for the niggas tryna hold them back
Five in the air for the teachers not scared
To tell those kids that’s livin’ in the ghetto
That the niggas holdin’ back, that the world is theirs
Yeah, yeah, the world is yours, I was once that little boy
Terrified of the world, now I’m on a world tour
I would give up everything, even start a world war
For these ghetto girls and boys
I’m rappin’ round the world for
Africa to New York, Haiti, then I detour
Oakland out to Auckland, Gaza Strip to Detroit
Say hip-hop only destroy, tell ‘em look at me, boy
I hope your son don’t have a gun and never be a d-boy

Alright, already, the show goes on
All night, ’til the morning we dream so long
Anybody ever wonder
When they would see the sun up
Just remember when you come up
The show goes on

So, no matter what you been through
No matter what you into
No matter what you see when you look outside your window
Brown grass or green grass, picket fence or barbed wire
Never ever put them down, you just lift your arms higher
Raise ‘em ’til your arms tired, let ‘em know you here
That you strugglin’, survivin’, that you gon’ persevere
Yeah, ain’t nobody leavin’, nobody goin’ home
Even if they turn the lights out, the show is goin’ on

Alright, already, the show goes on
All night, ’til the morning we dream so long
Anybody ever wonder
When they would see the sun up
Just remember when you come up
The show goes on

The show goes on
The show goes on
The show goes on
The show goes on

 

~Namaste~

Becky

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I’m Bringing Sexy Back

By May 10, 2017 Uncategorized
Close up of woman biting her lip with bright red lipstick

Oh man!  You guys ready?  Because I’m ’bout to get weird on y’all.  Like… freaky deaky.  You ready?  To give you an idea of where my head’s at, my goal for this post is to use the word ‘kinky’ at least five times.  Youngins best cover your eyes or see yourselves out of here…

So tonight there’s a full moon in Scorpio.  And do you know what that means?… Oh, you thought I might?  Yeah, I actually have no clue.  I’m not really into astrology.  I do love reading energy forecasts though.  Sometimes they’re so accurate they wig me the fuck out.  Anyway, so the full moon in Scorpio means it’s time to bring your sexy back.  Or at least that’s what she said.  (Haha!)  And I totally believe her.  Can’t you just feel that pent up sexual energy?  Ow ow!  Well it’s time to let it out, and this Scorpio full moon will help you…  You know,  if you’re a little nervous about getting… kinky.  

infinity

Really though, Scorpio’s energy is about intimacy, romance, and sex.  And not even necessarily with another person.  It’s about being comfortable in your own skin.  Loving yourself just as you are.  And when you really love yourself, you’re not afraid to explore uncharted territory… In bed.

Okay, so back in the day, when I used to hit the bars on the regular with friends, we would frequently go to one particular Chinese food restaurant after a long night of drinking.  We all always ordered the same thing… One night I went up to the counter, drunk as fuck, and placed my order, “Hi.  I’d like the 15B and coke.”  The man behind the counter looked at me then responded, “I don’t think you have enough money for that.”  Clearly confused, I assured him I had money and again said, “I want the 15B and coke.”  He paused, then repeated that he didn’t think I could afford it.  So now I’m drunk, hungry, and getting annoyed.  For the last time I repeated myself slowly, so as not to confuse this motherfucker…  “No.  I have money.  I would like to order the 15B and a Coca Cola.”  And then it was though the lights came on.  He looked at me and said, “Oooooh.  Coca Cola.  For that you have to use the vending machine.”  What the fuck!  Dude was definitely selling cocaine out of his restaurant.  Shady.  Lord knows what else was going on there.  I don’t even want to know.  And I definitely still ate the 15B.  Gross.

Anyway, what the hell was my point?  Oh, right… I said ‘in bed’ and it made me think of fortune cookies, which made me think of that story.  Wow.  My brain is all over the place.  Okay, so anyway… Fortune cookies… They come with, well, fortunes.  Duh.  Remember when you were younger, you’d play that stupid game with your fortunes?  Everyone would open their cookie and read it out loud to the group, and add ‘in bed’ to the end of the sentence.  It was usually good for a chuckle.  I promise you, I do have a point in all of this… It just may take me a bit to get to it.  Bare with  me…

So tonight I’ll be setting intentions with the full moon.  Normally for full moons your intentions should be to release that which is no longer serving your highest good in life.  During new moons you can set intentions for what it is that you’d like to manifest into your life.  But apparently, because of the current energies in the Universe, with this full moon we can do either.  Woohoo!  Okay, okay… I know I’m getting all types of weird over here.  So let me just show you.

I’ve decided for this full moon I’ll be focusing on sexuality, and these are the intentions I’ll  be setting:

kinky

I had to throw in that last one just for good measure.  I needed to make sure I was absolutely clear with the Universe what it is I’m talking about.  And just for giggles, you can go ahead and throw in the phrase ‘in bed’ at the end of each of my sentences… Or wherever happens to be your favorite place to fuck.  Kinky.  See, I told you I had a point to all the fortune cookie nonsense.  I mean, I suppose I could’ve just left it all out, but where’s the fun in that?  Anyway, moving on.  So tonight before bed, I’ll go outside, read my intentions, and then burn the paper.  Sounds a little like voodoo, huh?  I mean, I guess it kind of is.  But honestly, it’s a nice way for me to remind myself what I’m working towards in my life.  And apparently at the moment I’m working on bringing sexy back.

Ladies!!!  Gentleman too, but LAAAAADIIIIIES!!!!  The time has come.  Let out the wild woman that’s hiding inside.  That thing you think about but have never admitted out loud… Do that.  Get kinky.  You know you want to.  And you and the lucky person you’re sleeping with can thank me later…  Yowza!  Now, go ‘head girl… Get your sexy on.

Justin Timberlake~SexyBack

I’m bringin’ sexy back (yeah)
Them other boys don’t know how to act (yeah)
I think it’s special, what’s behind your back (yeah)
So turn around and I’ll pick up the slack (yeah)

Dirty babe
You see these shackles, baby
I’m your slave
I’ll let you whip me if I misbehave
It’s just that no one makes me feel this way

Come here, girl (go ‘head, be gone with it)
Come to the back (go ‘head, be gone with it)
VIP (go ‘head, be gone with it)
Drinks on me (go ‘head, be gone with it)
You see what you’re twerking with (go ‘head, be gone with it)
Look at those hips (go ‘head, be gone with it)
You make me smile (go ‘head, be gone with it)
Go ‘head, child (go ‘head, be gone with it)
And get your sexy on (go ‘head, be gone with it)
Get your sexy on (go ‘head, be gone with it)
Get your sexy on (go ‘head, be gone with it)
Get your sexy on (go ‘head, be gone with it)
Get your sexy on (go ‘head, be gone with it)
Get your sexy on (go ‘head, be gone with it)
Get your sexy on (go ‘head, be gone with it)
Get your sexy on

I’m bringin’ sexy back (yeah)
Them other fuckers don’t know how to act (yeah)
Girl, let me make up for all the things you lack (yeah)
Because you’re burning up, I got to get it fast (yeah, take it to the bridge)

Dirty babe
You see these shackles, baby
I’m your slave
I’ll let you whip me if I misbehave
It’s just that no one makes me feel this way

Come here, girl (go ‘head, be gone with it)
Come to the back (go ‘head, be gone with it)
VIP (go ‘head, be gone with it)
Drinks on me (go ‘head, be gone with it)
You see what you’re twerking with (go ‘head, be gone with it)
Look at those hips (go ‘head, be gone with it)
You make me smile (go ‘head, be gone with it)
Go ‘head, child (go ‘head, be gone with it)
And get your sexy on (go ‘head, be gone with it)
Get your sexy on (go ‘head, be gone with it)
Get your sexy on (go ‘head, be gone with it)
Get your sexy on (go ‘head, be gone with it)
Get your sexy on (go ‘head, be gone with it)
Get your sexy on (go ‘head, be gone with it)
Get your sexy on (go ‘head, be gone with it)
Get your sexy on

Uh, yeah, I’m bringin’ sexy back (yeah)
You mother fuckers watch how I attack (yeah)
If that’s your girl, better watch your back (yeah)
‘Cause you’re burning up for me, and that’s a fact (yeah, take it to the chorus)

Come here, girl (go ‘head, be gone with it)
Come to the back (go ‘head, be gone with it)
VIP (go ‘head, be gone with it)
Drinks on me (go ‘head, be gone with it)
You see what you’re twerking with (go ‘head, be gone with it)
Look at those hips (go ‘head, be gone with it)
You make me smile (go ‘head, be gone with it)
Go ‘head, child (go ‘head, be gone with it)
And get your sexy on (go ‘head, be gone with it)
Get your sexy on (go ‘head, be gone with it)
Get your sexy on (go ‘head, be gone with it)
Get your sexy on (go ‘head, be gone with it)
Get your sexy on (go ‘head, be gone with it)
Get your sexy on (go ‘head, be gone with it)
Get your sexy on (go ‘head, be gone with it)
Get your sexy on

Namaste, you sexy bitches.

Becky

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We Run This Mutha

By May 9, 2017 Uncategorized
Jen

Have you ever met someone that you immediately click with?  A person that instantly just gets you?  Someone that’s easy and fun to just be around?  That’s how I feel about Jenn.  We jive.  Although, we’ve known each other since high school, and have just recently become close friends.  Back in the day, we cheered together.  She used to toss me in the air.  It was a good time.  But we didn’t hang out much.  I was somewhat of a goody-two-shoes.  And she was…. not. Ha!  Post college we danced together.  That was also a good time.  But again, we didn’t really have much of a friendship outside the dance studio.  We did however, enjoy shaking our asses on stage together.  I have no idea where Jenn is, but if you pay attention, I bet you can figure out which one is me.

Hint:  I’m the ‘Becky’ that gets her ass smacked.

Fast forward a few more years, and our little girls go to the same alternative school, with a focus on self-directed learning.  The model fosters critical thinking, creativity, and growing up to become a total bad ass.  In a nutshell, parents who send their kids to this type of school are telling the ‘system’ to fuck off.

These girls right here… They ain’t gonna follow the rules.  Nope.  They’re going to be the ones that help to rewrite them.

girls

Our girls becoming such great friends has given me and Jenn the best excuse to hang out constantly.  Last week Jenn randomly asked if I wanted to go to Foxwoods for a night.  Normally this isn’t something I’d really do.  Sounds like a money pit to me.  But Jenn could make hanging out in paper bag fun, so I figured why not?  Besides, it’s always nice having an excuse to get dolled up.

Jenn

And to spend way too much money on more food than you could ever possibly eat.

food

We’re going to go ahead and blame this 2am room service order on the alcohol.  The excessively massive tip I gave them can be blamed on my stupidity.  Ha!  The hours leading up to this ridiculous purchase were a blast though, so it was worth the $80.

I’m pretty sure we spent approximately 30 minutes gambling.  The rest of the time we laughed our asses off at each other.  We spent more time crouched over, dying laughing in the bathroom than anyplace else.  I damn near pissed my pants.  Jenn is terrible at taking selfies.  And I’m pretty sure I might have a concussion from smashing my head into the mirror… It’s a long story. I’d pay good money to get my hands on the picture Jenn took of herself.  But then she’d probably kill me.  We finished off our overnight with a failed attempt at getting tattoos (whomp whomp) and then played music way too loud the whole ride home.  I’m pretty sure we looked wicked cool.  Her pimped out Cherokee puts my ’02 Caravan to shame.

When I hang with Jenn, I feel about as cool as these two bad ass females.  But Jenn… Jenn actually is this cool:

Beyonce~Run The World

Girls, we run this motha (yeah!) [x4]
GIRLS!

[Chorus:]
Who run the world? Girls! [x4]
Who run this motha? Girls! [x4]
Who run the world? Girls! [x4]

[Verse 1:]
Some of them men think they freak this like we do
But no they don’t
Make your check come at they neck,
Disrespect us no they won’t

Boy don’t even try to touch this
Boy this beat is crazy
This is how they made me
Houston Texas baby
This goes out to all my girls
That’s in the club rocking the latest
Who will buy it for themselves and get more money later
I think I need a barber
None of these niggas can fade me
I’m so good with this,
I remind you I’m so hood with this
Boy I’m just playing
Come here baby
Hope you still like me
F- you pay me

My persuasion can build a nation
Endless power, with our love we can devour
You’ll do anything for me

[Chorus:]
Who run the world? Girls! [x4]
Who run this motha? Girls! [x4]
Who run the world? Girls! [x4]

[Verse 2:]
It’s hot up in here
DJ don’t be scared to run this, run this back
I’m reppin’ for the girls who taking over the world
Help me raise a glass for the college grads

41 rollin’ to let you know what time it is, check
You can’t hold me (you can’t hold me)
I work my 9 to 5, better cut my check
This goes out to all the women getting it in,
You’re on your grind
To other men that respect what I do
Please accept my shine
Boy I know you love it
How we’re smart enough to make these millions
Strong enough to bear the children
Then get back to business
See, you better not play me
Oh, come here baby
Hope you still like me
F- you hate me

My persuasion can build a nation
Endless power
With our love we can devour
You’ll do anything for me

[Chorus:]
Who run the world? Girls! [x4]
Who run this motha? Girls! [x4]
Who run the world? Girls! [x4]

Who are we? What we run? The world (who run this motha, yeah)
Who are we? What we run? The world (who run this motha, yeah)
Who are we? What do we run? We run the world! (who run this motha, yeah)
Who are we? What we run? We run the world
Who run the world? Girls

 

~Namaste~

Becky

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Don’t Give Up, I Won’t Give Up

By May 7, 2017 Uncategorized
stamina

Lately life sort of feels like a song I hate that’s stuck on repeat.  Anyone else feel that way or just me?  Please tell me I’m not the only one.  Brutal.  The last few weeks have felt… exhausting, in every sense of the word.  Am I right?  Oh man, the other day I woke up and I swear my angry eyebrow wrinkle was deeper than ever.  It looked as if I’d spent the entire night sleeping with a scowl on my face.  What the fuck?  I fell off the wagon, man.  Actually, I jumped.

For the past month or so, I’ve been in a total slump.  Not working out.  Eating like shit.  Not sleeping.  Not meditating.  Nothing.  I’ve literally been my own worst enemy.  I’m not sure what’s going on, but it’s time for a change.  If my life was a tower made of a deck of cards, it’s as if I’m waiting for someone or something to come along and pull out one of the cards from the bottom, causing the whole thing to come crashing down.  Only then would I have permission to pick up the pieces and start building a new tower.  It feels almost as if I’m waiting for the Universe to throw me a bone.  Like I’m hoping for some sort of event to occur that would cause me to start actively making changes in my life.  Ya know?

But life doesn’t work like that.  I’ve had the ‘when’ attitude for a while.  I’ll start eating better when I have more time.  I’ll get up earlier to squeeze in a daily yoga practice when the kids start sleeping better.  I’ll organize our clothes and toys when I have a day without the kids here.  Get what I mean?  But having that attitude is getting me nowhere.  Honestly, change will happen in my life when I make it happen… By being the change.

So I’m starting now.  Actually, no I’m not.  I’m starting Tuesday.  Why?  Because I have a girls night planned for tomorrow and a hangover planned for Monday.  Ha!  So Tuesday it is.  But I’ve made up my mind.  And the first thing to go is this:

wine

And also this:

coffee

Okay, wait… Let’s pump the brakes for a sec.  There’s no way in hell I’m giving up coffee.  But I’m giving up Dunks… Except maybe on weekends.  And Weekdays.  Gah!  I don’t know if I can do this one.  But I’m really going to pretend to try.

And since 90% of my fluid intake is coffee and wine, I obviously need to replace it with something, right?  I guess it should be this:

water

LAME.

Seriously though.  It’s time for me to start being accountable for my own life.  I can’t just expect things to get better without putting in the work.  I’m so tired.  So fucking tired… But I need to stop using that as an excuse, because that’s exactly what it is.  And not nourishing my body is not helping anything.  I could create a list a mile long of the things that need to change, but I’ve realized the hard way that I need to start small.  My life is mine, right?  And my body is my temple.

You know, for a while I’ve sort of had moments where I feel like… what the fuck, man!  Fuck it.  I give up.  I’m done caring.  I’m done trying.  I’d prefer to sit on my couch, a hot fucking mess, and wait for someone or something to fix my problems.  I’m tired.  And I’m done.

Except I’m not done.  And I’m not giving up.  I don’t feel well.  And I think that’s what I’m most tired of.  I want to feel young, and energized, and beautiful, and full of life.  And I will.  Baby steps, right?  I got stamina.

The Greatest~Sia ft. Kendrick Lamar

Uh-oh, running out of breath, but I
Oh, I, I got stamina
Uh-oh, running now, I close my eyes
Well, oh, I got stamina
And uh-oh, I see another mountain to climb
But I, I, I got stamina
Uh-oh, I need another lover, be mine
Cause I, I, I got stamina

Don’t give up, I won’t give up
Don’t give up, no no no
Don’t give up, I won’t give up
Don’t give up, no no no

I’m free to be the greatest, I’m alive
I’m free to be the greatest here tonight, the greatest
The greatest, the greatest alive
The greatest, the greatest alive

Uh-oh, running out of prayers, but I
Oh, I, I got stamina
Uh-oh, running now, I close my eyes
But, oh, I got stamina
And oh yeah, running through the weeds of love
But I, I got stamina
And oh yeah, I’m running and I’ve just enough
And uh-oh, I got stamina

Don’t give up, I won’t give up
Don’t give up, no no no
Don’t give up, I won’t give up
Don’t give up, no no no

I’m free to be the greatest, I’m alive
I’m free to be the greatest here tonight, the greatest
The greatest, the greatest alive
The greatest, the greatest alive

Oh-oh, I got stamina
Oh-oh, I got stamina
Oh-oh, I got stamina
Oh-oh, I got stamina

Hey, I am the truth
Hey, I am the wisdom of the fallen – I’m the youth
Hey, I am the greatest
Hey, this is the proof
Hey, I work hard, pray hard, pay dues, hey
I transform with pressure, I’m hands-on with effort
I fell twice before my bounce back was special
Letdowns will get you, and the critics will test you
But the strong will survive, another scar may bless you, ah

Don’t give up (no no), I won’t give up (no no)
Don’t give up, no no no (nah)
Don’t give up, I won’t give up
Don’t give up, no no no

I’m free to be the greatest, I’m alive
I’m free to be the greatest here tonight, the greatest
The greatest, the greatest alive (don’t give up, don’t give up, don’t give up, no no no)
The greatest, the greatest alive (don’t give up, don’t give up, don’t give up, no no no)

The greatest, the greatest alive (don’t give up, don’t give up, don’t give up, no no no)
The greatest, the greatest alive (don’t give up, don’t give up, don’t give up, no no no)
The greatest, the greatest alive (don’t give up, don’t give up, don’t give up, no no no)
The greatest, the greatest alive (I got stamina)
The greatest, the greatest alive (I got stamina)
The greatest, the greatest alive (I got stamina)

 

~Namaste~

Becky

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